My Teacher, Resentment

Thanks to Compassionate Communication, I have a greater awareness that my feelings, and yours, and everybody else’s, are our teachers. When I pay attention to them, look at what’s stimulating them, and go deeper to what’s beneath them, I can learn a lot.

One of my greatest teachers is Resentment. I don’t love to admit that I have a robust relationship with Resentment. I can happily say that I have a much healthier relationship than I used to have with him. I used to let Resentment inhabit a whole lot of my physical and mental space, tensing up my back, neck, shoulders, quickening my heart, making my head hurt. I used to let Resentment into my mind. He’d stuff my head with ideas about how one person or another had wronged me. No wonder I got headaches.

I’m now learning to notice Resentment when he comes to call, but instead of flinging the door open and letting him take over, I now greet him at the door and ask him what he wants. Most of the time, anyway.  

He tells me about how this or that person is taking advantage of me or taking me for granted or treating me unfairly. Sometimes old habits get the best of me and those stories sneak past the door into my head.

When I'm practicing my new ways, I listen politely. I thank Resentment for visiting to alert me that something’s not quite right in my house. I close the door without letting him take full possession of my physical space, because both his visits and cleaning up after he’s wreaked havoc can be exhausting. I assess my state of internal affairs. I’ve now done this enough times to know what to look for when Resentment appears at my door.

Have I been giving so much of my time and energy that I have depleted my reserves? Can I find ways to both give and receive in particular interactions, so that I experience a greater sense of reciprocity? Can I look for support from people other than who I am giving to? 

Has Resentment come to remind me to clearly ask for what I need so that others can respond with a similar clarity? I used to do a lot of hoping that people would fill needs I’d never articulated. Then Resentment would come to call when people didn’t read my mind and fill my needs. He’s great at making up nasty stories about how uncaring other people are. He’s also good at turning those nasty judgments on me. I now recognize his tricks.

Is Resentment trying to tell me to state my boundaries and to respect them? Other people are more likely to respect them if I do. Sometimes I notice Resentment approaching when I am about to say “yes” to something that really feels more like a “no.” I’m getting better at saying “no” before Resentment knocks. The world hasn’t ended because I’ve said “no.”   

Changing my relationship with Resentment is an ongoing process, a practice. I’m learning to not take his stories so seriously. I’m learning to thank him for his warnings, so I can get my house in better order.

When I get curious about Resentment or any other feelings, I can get clearer about my needs and values. When I know my needs and values, I can take action to meet them. When I take action to meet my needs, I feel empowered. When my needs are met and I feel empowered, I want everybody else to feel as good as I do and I try to contribute to make that happen. These are the kinds of ripples I want to make in the world. 

What about you?

What emotions are your greatest teachers?

What do you want to ripple out into the world?