Time on Our Side

Dear friends,

I am very excited because my 2nd edition Cards for Remembering decks are on their way and should be arriving in Louisville today! I cannot wait to see them and I cannot wait to get them into your hands if you pre-ordered the 2nd edition deck. If you received a survey from Kickstarter and haven't yet filled it out, please do so!

For anyone who wants to know more about the 2nd edition deck, you can check it out here.

Apart from that, I've been thinking about time.

Over the weekend I drove my parents and their dog Cleo to a Gulf town in Texas. For the last several years they have spent part of the fall there, enjoying the warmer weather, the company of a lifelong friend and other friends they've gotten to know over the years. When Dad had a series of strokes last year, I became the driver for the crosscountry trek they had previously done on their own.

On our trips we alternate between chatting and listening to the radio, music, and podcasts. An episode we listened to about time from The Hidden Brain podcast keeps coming back to me. (Side note: Another favorite is pretty much any episode of Throughline.) Several ideas, both familiar and unfamiliar, stuck out to me from the interview with psychologist Cassie Mogilner Holmes:

1. Many of us spend a lot of time on things that don't bring us joy or fulfillment. It doesn't have to be this way.

2. Many of us view time from a scarcity mindset. We believe that there is never enough time to do all we want to, so we often miss the present moment as we focus on the past or future.

3. Research shows that we are dissatisfied both when we have too little discretionary time and when we have too much discretionary time.

4. If we take a time audit, tracking very specifically what we spend our time doing and rating the activities by how much joy they bring or how we feel doing them over say, a week, we can use that knowledge to re-prioritize how we spend our time.

For example, we might see that on a particular day we spend 30 minutes or an hour scrolling through social media and on the same day note that we didn't spend time taking the run we wanted to. Perhaps we'll see that we spend waaaaaaaay more time reading and writing emails than we had realized. With this awareness, we can begin to make different choices, limiting and expanding the time we spend on certain activities.

I am thinking now of a conversation I had last week with someone about washing windows. She talked about how she used to power through the task, starting and not stopping until it was done, even when it meant she felt completely wiped out afterwards. This year, if I'm remembering correctly, she is washing one or two a day, which means that the task still gets done, but it doesn't leave her completely spent. To me it speaks to the questions, How do I feel doing this? and How do I want to feel doing this? The time spent doesn't change. The attitude does. Isn't that lovely?

5. We might also make a "times left" calculation. Knowing that rather ordinary things often bring us joy, connection, and satisfaction, we can estimate both how many times we've done those enjoyable activities (say, family dinners) and how many times more we think we'll do them. With that perspective in mind we can be more conscious about making the time for those things and also be more mindful about the attention and energy we bring into those times.

Since I started intensive work in Compassionate/Nonviolent Communication almost exactly 5 years ago, when making plans I've been asking myself more and more: Is this a genuine yes? A half-hearted yes, or resigned yes, or obligatory yes (which later often turn into resentful yeses)? Or a genuine no? I am practicing not only knowing the answers, but being true to them, which doesn't always feel easy.

After listening to the podcast, I am thinking about how I can bring the question not only into making plans for the future, but also more often into the present moment, so that instead of turning to social media or something else that takes up discretionary time in a way I don't necessarily enjoy, I can ask what might be a genuine and conscious yes in the here and now.

I also want to do some work with the "times left" activity. I'm not sure yet what I want to focus on, only that I do want to work with it.

I want to change my relationship with time, differentiating between recognizing limits and collapsing into the fear of scarcity.

What about you? What is your relationship with time? Where do you feel at ease in the relationship? Where would you like to adust your relationship with time?

I'd love to know.

~~~
I always love spending time sharing Compassionate Communication. Tomorrow (Thursday, October 6) from 12:00-1:30 I'm offering a Compassionate Communication practice session. These sessions are a la carte, donation-based events for anyone who wants to hone their skills, ask questions, or otherwise continue to explore the practice in a supported space. On October 20 I'm sharing one of my very favorite Compassionate Communication activities about responding to difficult messages. Experiencing this for the first time was a game-changer for me and I know others have also experienced some big shifts from doing it. I'm also so excited to be a part of Saturdays with Spirit this weekend! Keep reading for more information about these and other workshops, classes, and events.

With care and gratitude,
Cory