Naming and Releasing Shame
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Dear friends,
In the second edition of Cards for Remembering, one of the new cards reads, "I practice naming and releasing shame." Despite having created it, it's not a card I enjoy encountering. Most often, I take some deep breaths, preparing myself for the work ahead.
During my 50 days of birthday celebration, a friend used Cards for Remembering to do a reading for me:
I treat my fear, anger, anxiety, and overwhelm with care and I ask for help when I struggle to do it myself.
I accept the messy, beautiful flow of LIFE.
I practice naming and releasing shame.
To share it with me, she made a photo puzzle at a nearby Walgreens. I picked up the reading/puzzle just after a really difficult meeting that left me feeling demoralized and, quite frankly, ashamed. I was fighting tears when I walked into Walgreens.
To receive these cards in this way brought on a slew of emotions. I was grateful for the unique presentation of the reading- my predicament definitely felt puzzling! I felt self-conscious because these cards touched on exactly what I was experiencing and I wasn't too keen on others seeing those difficult emotions and knowing their source. I was relieved for the validation of my experience.
Shame is a sneaky bugger, often masquerading as or hiding behind other emotions. Shame may forcefully or subtly appear in messages of "how dare you," "should," "have to," "supposed to," "shouldn't," "can't." We might respond to shame with avoidance, denial, or projection in order to shield ourselves from the pain of shame.
What would our world look like if we grew our capacity to name and release shame?
I was recently at a presentation in which Hannah Drake, author/activist/co-founder of the (Un)Known Project, was talking about the importance of uncovering and grappling with our history, in this case, personal and collective ties to slavery. She said something that wasn't new, but still really struck a chord: "Shame doesn't set us free. The truth sets us free."
Knowing or discovering certain truths (whether personal or collective) may elicit shame. If we don't allow the shame to the surface, it festers within us and will likely either come out in unexpected and damaging ways or erode us from the inside out, also causing harm.
Unfortunately, shame (and its close counterpart blame) is baked into the dominant cultural framework. It's hard to get away from the finger-wagging judgments. We may even hold a belief that shaming someone (including ourselves) can bring change. We sometimes confuse shaming with holding someone accountability. They're not the same.
Naming and releasing shame is a counter-cultural and liberatory act. It's also uncomfortable, sometimes reeeeeeeeeeeally uncomfortable. But no one ever said growth and healing were comfortable.
A persistent self-judgment I have worked with over many years relates to my ability to create and maintain order. To the best of my knowledge, no one has rejected me because my desk, my office, my house are messy and sometimes dirty. Even so, while I work in the realms of emotional messes and creative messes and feel (mostly) comfortable sharing those spaces with others, I am not keen on allowing people to see my physical messes. The cultural assumptions and judgments about people who can't or don't maintain orderly spaces don't help. In this, I've been working to release the shame and practice self-compassion.
I know I'm making progress because recently I shared the following on Facebook:
Dear Louisville friends- you may or may not know that, while I am skilled in many ways, creating & maintaining physical order & cleanliness isn’t my great strength. When life is full and/or when I’m stressed, I have even less capacity for it.
My hope was to have my house & yard cleared & cleaned out by my birthday. Life has been so full that that won’t happen and I’m ok with that.
However, I do want to do this work & am wondering who I know who LOVES to organize & clean (and/or work in the yard) & who has capacity & willingness to share 1-2 hours with me in March or April & can do so with the awareness that getting into my physical mess with someone else feels scarier to me than some circumstances in which I am in actual physical danger.
I am putting the request on FB because the work is big &, I believe, easiest when shared. Also I know y’all love me and that’ll be true whether I can keep my house & yard clean or not.
Respond if sharing time in this way would bring you joy- and LMK if there are particular cleaning/organizing tasks you especially love.
People I know well and some I've never met in person responded both with messages of solidarity ("I have the same struggle") and offers to help me. The outpouring of love was beautiful. Though I've barely started the actual cleaning and organizing work, I feel confident I now have the support I'll need to do it. That wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the risk of naming my messy truth.
I realize that there are truths much more painful and riskier to name than the one above. So again I ask:
What would our world look like if we grew our capacity to name and release shame?
Can we practice doing so more in our relationships of trust and care?
Can we step into courage to do so in more public ways and also honor those who speak difficult truths?
What do you think?
I'd love to know.
~~~
It is thanks to Compassionate Communication, that I am able to name my difficult truths without collapsing into puddles of shame. This is why I love sharing it. Starting tomorrow, March 9, my 4-week online Compassionate Communication class, Meeting in the Field of Connection, begins. There are still spots open. Come join us!
Also my two birthday offers are happening through this Saturday, March 11:
Offer 1: Buy two 2nd edition Cards for Remembering Decks, get a third for 50% off- that's $24 in savings! Go here and use the coupon code BIRTHDAY when you check out. Or come see me at Saturdays with Spirit this Saturday!
Offer 2: OR when you spend $40 or more on decks, prints, and/or original art, use the code BDAYFREESHIP to get, you guessed it, free delivery or shipping. All of my available art isn't up on the page; you can also see some of it on Instagram or Facebook.
I also have this request: If you have taken a workshop or class that has been valuable to you, if you have a Cards for Remembering deck that gives you just the messages you need, if you have a Heart Portrait or Heart Sketch that you love and that loves you, if my writing speaks to you, please tell someone(s) about my work- forward this email, share my Facebook or Instagram pages, or tell them in a good ol' regular conversation. Thank you so much for considering this request!
In gratitude,
Cory
