Trusting Ourselves

Dear friends, 

I hope you are well, enjoying the beauiful days of early summer. 

For me, and, I know, for some of you, even amidst the beauty and celebrations of May, the last couple of weeks have been pretty intense. Along with the many things going on in the world, a report was released about a week and a half ago detailing the extensive abuse of a very well-connected person here in Louisville, a former Presbyterian pastor who, more recently, was very involved in, and often leading, interfaith initiatives. I have known him for about a decade. The report details his abuse when he was pastor before I knew him.

I am connected to many, many people who either experienced his abuse, both while he was a pastor and in the decade since, or who are reeling from the news of it. I know that keeping more people safe from him means sharing his name, and I have and will in other contexts. Here I am choosing not to. I don't want to speak/write/see his name*. 

Since the report came out, I've been part of many conversations with people about the report, their experiences, and the resulting shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, confusion, anger, grief, and more. I have also experienced this range of emotions. I could write volumes about each emotion, but today self-doubt gets the spotlight.

When I work with people, I often say, "I do not want you to trust me to the detriment of trusting yourself." 

There are so many ways we are taught to ignore, deny, dismiss, or numb our inner knowing. We are taught that there are authorities- religious, political, secular, familial- who know better than we do. We are encouraged to trust and follow them, even when our bodies are giving us warning signals that something is off. If trauma is a part of our story, understanding and trusting our bodies' signals is even more complicated.

Self-doubt serves a charismatic, abusive leader well. The patterns of manipulation only become clear in retrospect or from a distance. Once we see the patterns, we question, "Why didn't I see it?" "Why did I laugh that off?" "Why didn't I speak up?" 

Even outside of the context of abuse, self-doubt is a normal part of being human. Wanting to see the best in someone and offering grace are also so very human and really quite wonderful. That we would experience these doesn't mean there's something wrong with us or that we have reason to be ashamed. We're just human- messy, complicated, beautiful humans. 

Knowing this, the question then becomes: If self-doubt is so pervasive, how do we move toward self-trust? 

I belive it's through practice. I believe it's through tuning to the body and being in dialogue with it. Dominant culture doesn't encourage us to love or honor our body wisdom. Compassionate Communication has helped me tune in more skillfully and identify more easily what my body is telling me- that I want safety, ease, acceptance, understanding, something else. 

When I'm struggling, thankfully I have a few friends I can turn to to help me see and move through what is murky, unclear, difficult. I have come to trust them because when I've been most vulnerable, they have been ever so gentle with me. They affirm my worth, even when I'm feeling low. These are the ones who, even when challenging me, do so in a care-filled way. Even when they present a perspective very different from my own, they give space for me to be choiceful about what I do with that perspective. These are the ones who, in action and word, help me to trust myself more, not less.

This is how I hope to be with others. Sometimes I do so well. Other times, less well. I will keep trying. 

And I wonder about you: 

How or when do you experience self-doubt? 

What or who has helped you to trust yourself more? 

I'd love to know. 

If you want to explore self-trust with me, the next Savoring Time mini-retreat is coming up on June 9. Each one of these in-person experiences is an experiment with our individual and collective wisdom. June's theme is Light!

For a more sustained and a deeper dive into self-trust, I'll be facilitating The Artist's Way starting August 17th. I am offering this on a sliding scale and have payment plans available. Through June 15th, there is an Early Early Bird rate of $50 off for the Standard registration level. 

I am also excited to be a part of my first gallery art show. The opening reception is coming up this Thursday, June 6th, so if you want to see my collages and the works of Joan Zehnder and Kathy Christian, I hope you'll come to the show or visit the gallery during the 6 weeks it's up!
     
To learn more about these and other events, visit this page. If they speak to you, I hope you'll join me.  If you know of others who'd love this work, please share with them!

With love, 
Cory

*I originally wrote this for an email and did not link the report. Here, though I am still not using his name in the post, I am choosing to link the executive summary and the full report about the abuse. Both were originally posted here. If you decide to read them, please give yourself time, space, and whatever other support you might need to process. They are not easy to read and, as noted above, can bring up a lot of strong emotions. If you are a survivor of abuse, please be particularly care-filled as you decide if and how to engage.