Expectancy

Dear friends,

First, I am not pregnant. That would be quite a thing at age 50, though I know it's been done. Second...

It's hard to know what to tell you, so I'll write what I know. For my birthday back in March I treated myself to a massage. Before it even started as I was lying on the table, I received a message (from God/from Spirit/from some deeper Wisdom beyond me) about birthing. Lying there, I asked the question, "Am I birthing or being birthed?" The answer was, "Yes."  Okay... Not long after that, I was telling a friend what was going on in my life and she gave me the word "expectancy" to name what was happening. It felt and feels apt. 

What I am birthing and how I will emerge as a rebirthed self is still unclear. I think I am in the laboring process, the work that I have been doing out of the public eye feels effortful, the outcome(s) unclear. I wonder, how long will this labor be? This year as I've used my Cards for Remembering, the card that has popped up most as I use them nearly daily is "I am allowed not to know." There are times when the message is comforting and times when it is frustrating. 

This hard-to-name work is part of why I haven’t written anything publicly in a while. I've been waiting until I have more clarity, joyous news of what has emerged. Alas, the only clarity I have is that things are still unclear.  

Though I've told several friends and have written above that I think I'm laboring now, I wonder if I'm actually still in the gestational period, if the pains have been false labor, previews of what's to come, or if this is just a particularly long labor. I'm not sure. 

I suppose what I'm describing is the mystery of any birth. The particular flow of the birthing process that is only known as it is experienced. The wonder about the one coming into being. When children are born, even if we know words that will go on a birth certificate, we have no idea who or how that child will grow into the fullness of being. We can only hope that they do grow into the fullest expression of who they are, a unique being in our web of Interbeing. 

I smile as I write this. Though I am sometimes weary, dismayed, and impatient with the process, I also find myself curious, hopeful, and excited. I wonder if this is how a cocooned caterpillar feels. Or a flower as it prepares to bloom. Again I don't know. But I like to imagine. 

In the meantime, I go about life- cleaning, organizing, dancing, laughing at my cats, walking, writing, marveling at the colors, sights, and sounds of the world as we move through springtime, a time of birth and rebirth. 

In the meantime, I go about work- planning, scheduling, trying to use my skills and being in a way that serves. I have events and classes coming up that you can read about here. If they speak to you, I'd love to see you in person or on Zoom! I'm excited to be offering Seeking the Shalom of the City at DGCEC again in June. I'm excited to offer 4-week Compassionate Communication classes in the summer. I'm working on scheduling more in-person offerings. I am also excited about some new 1:1 offerings that I'll share more about in the future (though if you're curious, you can see a few of them here). 

Thanks for hanging with me in the midst of the mystery. If you are also in expectancy, or have good expectancy/birthing stories, I'd love to know them. Blessings to you however you are experiencing life these days. 


In the unknowing, 
Cory