You Have Choice

I've been thinking a lot lately about choices. About how often we limit our own sense of choicefulness. 

"I have to..." "I need to..." "I must..." "I can't..." "I had no other choice but to..." You get the picture. 

I've done this. I still do this at times, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. As I think about this theme, I'm increasingly aware that these have to-need to-must-can't things we say are a myth. We always have choice. The circumstances that we're making choices in may not be realities we've created. The options we see before us may not align with our desires, but we do get to choose. And maybe we even get to choose an option that's not presented to us. 

About a year ago I got into a long email battle with American Airlines about compensation for a 6-hour flight delay due to mechanical issues. I stated what I felt was fair compensation for the time lost. The customer service rep made a meager offer in return. I restated my same desire. The rep upped his offer, but it still wasn't close to what I had asked for. I restated my desire. He gave me two options. I said I'd like both. After another back and forth, he consented. It took a lot of time and energy. I had both to give. 

In the grand scheme of things, getting that compensation did not affect my day-to-day life. But it reminded me that I don't have to settle for what's offered to me if it doesn't feel right. My minor success with American Airlines makes me think of what's possible when the stakes are higher, when the powers I'm facing are more daunting, and when I'm not the only one raising my voice.

I say we have choice with the awareness that there are many factors that can limit our sense of choice.  Poverty and where we fit into economic systems may limit our sense of choice. Finite resources of time and energy may limit our sense of choice. Power systems and the people in them that view and treat my actions as a white, cisgender, straight woman differently than they do the same actions by a Black woman, Latinx man, LGBTQ person, transgender person, etc. may limit our sense of choice. Those same systems are the ones telling us that we have to-need to-must-can’t do X, Y, or Z to the point that we’ve internalized the message and keep ourselves "in line" even when it doesn't serve us to do so. 

What if we choose not to believe in those limits?

What if we embrace a sense of choicefulness?

What if, instead of “I have to…”, we try on “I am allowed to…” or “I get to…” or “I choose to…” when we talk about things that align with our values, even if they’re hard or tiring (the things parents do for children, adults do for aging parents, activists do for causes)? It feels very different in our bodies to say “I have to…” rather than “I am allowed to…” or “I get to…” or “I am choosing to…”

What if, when presented with A and B, both of which seem like terrible options, we request C? And when we’re told “no,” we ask for C again or ask for D or demand E until we find a strategy that meets our needs and aligns with our values, or at least begins to do so. What if, when all this back and forth exhausts us, we ask for help? We may not get it, but what if we do? Or what if we choose to rest so we can come back and keep trying?  

We have choice.   

Maybe this idea is really scary. I know it is for me sometimes. But feeling choiceless doesn’t feel too great either. I’d rather lean into a space where I’m scared and embracing choice than one in which I feel helpless and hand my fate to others who may not have my best interest, or the best interest of people I care about, at heart.

We have choice. We don’t have control over the outcome of our choices, but we do have choice.

I invite you to bring more consciousness to your choices. Your yeses and nos.

See how it feels. Let me know.

I may be writing about this topic again, because a bazillion (it’s a real word, I checked Miriam-Webster) other thoughts about this topic are racing through my mind, but I’m choosing to leave them for another day.