Power and Choice in Times of Limited Options

I‘ve been thinking A LOT about four concepts lately-

Power.

Choice.

Boundaries.

Consent.

These are, I dare say, always important ideas to grapple with, but in a time like now,

·         when some people are feeling disempowered and believe they’re choiceless because their options are more limited,

·         when some people are awakening to their own power and discovering that they can choose options they didn’t know they had before

·         and some people are feeling powerless in some ways and empowered in others,

it feels like a good time to do some digging into these ideas.

Today I’m going to explore power and choice, I’m not sure if I’ll get to boundaries and consent. I feel certain that anything I write is going to be incomplete…thoughts in process. I’m ok with that because my hope is that my incomplete thoughts will get you thinking, too, and maybe we can have some sort of discussion (virtually or in some nice outdoor socially distanced setting) about it all.

March 2020. After a few months of hearing about COVID-19, all of a sudden life in the U.S. changed practically overnight. Many of us found ourselves without work, without social lives, without childcare or school for kiddos. Without entertainment. Without certainty. Trips, whether for business or pleasure cancelled.  In our homes 24/7, perhaps feeling trapped.

Most of us weren’t the ones choosing to shut down businesses, workplaces, schools, daycares.

Many of us felt scared, anxious, angry, vulnerable, lonely, and a whole other host of feelings. Some people equated the lower number of options to a lack of choice.  

Some accepted that there was much over which they had no control and consciously embraced the choices they could make: to clean the house, to go outside for a walk, to connect over Zoom, to plant a garden, to make meals for people who lacked food security, to ask for help, to offer help.

I want to emphasize a phrase from above: consciously embraced choices. Even when our options are limited, we can make choices. The reality is that we’re making choices all the time but we may not do so with much awareness. My hope is that we can get better at making conscious choices.

I say that knowing full well that for many of us, it’s one of those easier-said- than-done sorts of things.  We may have been taught to trust “authority” and not to trust ourselves, so we deliberate over every option until the options disappear or we second guess the option we’ve chosen. We may have been socialized to believe that in some situations there is only one right option and that if we choose something else, we are bad, so we don’t dare choose what we actually want. We may suffer from anxiety, depression, unhealed trauma, or any number of other things that may make recognizing, accepting, and making choices more challenging.

But not impossible.

I believe the more we can embrace the idea that even with fewer options, we can always make a choice, we’ll make strides toward greater wholeness. If we can bring deep consciousness to our choices, we’ll be doing revolutionary work.

Conscious choice could look something like this:

I hate my job and am really miserable now that I don’t have the distraction of co-workers or things to do after work. I could leave my job, but then I’d lose the security of my paycheck. I am choosing to stay in my job right now, because security feels like the most important need to meet right now. I’m also choosing to think about what I’d really love to do instead, so that later on, I can explore other options.  

I can’t go into the office to work and I’m sick of being in my house. I’m aware that I need a change of scenery, because I’m feeling claustrophobic and annoyed with everyone else in the house. I’m choosing to go for a drive.

I’ve lost my job and I’m worried as hell about how I’m going to pay rent or for groceries. I don’t know when UI is going to kick in. I’m panicking and I feel so damn lonely. I’m choosing to call my friend to talk through some of this.

Those choices don’t necessarily address the biggest needs, but they might meet some other needs. Having another need or two met might help us realize we do have power. We might feel more resourced and ready to think about the bigger needs, the other needs, in a more creative way.

Again, this is simplifying something that’s not necessarily simple.

But it’s possible.

I have too often lost my sense of agency and choice.

Told myself “I can’t” for made-up reasons in my head.

Told myself “I have to” for made-up reasons in my head.

I am learning to examine the stories I am telling myself and check their accuracy against observable reality.

I am learning to seek and embrace a sense of conscious choicefulness.

I’ve found that when I’m willing to look, I find that I do have choice.

My ideal option may not be on the table, and I may be disappointed about that. I may even feel angry or bitter.

In that case, I can choose to hold onto the bitterness and anger, maybe even giving myself a headache or a queasy stomach about it.

OR

I can choose to feel the grief and disappointment underneath the anger, and try to find another way to begin to meet the unmet need. If the anger and bitterness come back, I can tend to them again, and when I’m ready, move back to creative thinking. Or if I’m stuck in the well of emotions, I can ask a trusted person to help me sort through them and climb out of the well. And so on.

In every moment I have power and I have choice.

I can give them up or I can practice using them.

I am choosing to practice.