In my last post, I wrote about power and choice in times of limited options. Today I want to offer my still-forming thoughts on boundaries and consent. In the age of coronavirus, we are being invited to explore boundaries and consent in new and very obvious ways.

Here in Kentucky, as in many places in the U.S., we currently have a mask mandate for public indoor spaces. Wearing a mask in these spaces is something I’m willing to do. Based on the information I’ve gathered from a variety of sources, I make the conscious choice to follow the mandate. It’s not because I’m blindly following authority or because I am particularly fearful.

I don’t enjoy wearing the mask, but I consent to doing it in the interest of public health. I practice social distancing for the same reason. I also know that, along with the public health benefits, my decision to do both brings a greater sense of peace, a lowering of anxiety for those who face greater risks than I. In a time when so many people are experiencing anxiety for so many reasons, if I can help bring a greater sense of ease to someone, I will.

Last week I was standing in a long line and as the line moved along, I noticed my extreme discomfort with how close the person behind me was. She was not following social distancing guidelines and I could feel her near me. I was actually a little surprised by my discomfort because in other circumstances, I haven’t been so uncomfortable being in close proximity to others. As the line moved, I tried to move in ways that kept us farther apart. She continued to be closer than was comfortable for me. Finally, I turned around and said something like, “Hi, I’m feeling uncomfortable with how close we are. Would you be willing to stay a little farther back?” I didn’t know what she’d say, but thankfully, for the remainder of the time we were in line, she stayed farther back. She respected my boundary. I relaxed.

Earlier that same day I walked with a friend. When we met up, she was wearing a mask. I asked if she wanted me to put my mask on, too. She said yes. Normally when I go for walks, I don’t wear a mask, but because my friend said she’d prefer I wear it and because I want to respect her boundaries, I put my mask on.

This morning I walked with a different friend. She was wearing a mask. I asked If she wanted me to put my mask on, too. She said no. I asked if she was sure about that and she said yes, so I didn’t wear my mask. In both circumstances we negotiated boundaries and came to a place of consent.

I haven’t had negative encounters with people around masks or social distancing, though I’ve seen many stories about people aggressively crossing those boundaries. Refusing to wear a mask in public spaces. Refusing to social distance. Getting angry when asked to respect someone else’s boundaries, whether an individual’s or a business’s. In some cases, ignoring boundaries suggested or mandated for public health reasons has increased the spread of COVID, and even led to some people dying.

Is this really the world we want to live in? Where one person’s comfort and desire is more important than someone else’s safety? Or public safety?

With these questions, my mind flies to the theme of comfort vs. safety, power, choices, boundaries and consent as they relate to the movement for racial justice. That topic merits its own post (or two, or three, or four…) and so I mention it with the intention to return to it another day.

Until then I will answer the above questions for myself. I’d be curious to know your answers, too.

I don’t want to live in a world where we can’t trust each other to respect boundaries, whether related to masks, social distancing, sharing personal information, sexual behavior and other issues of body autonomy, or anything else.

I want to live in a world in where I can state my boundaries and trust that you’ll respect them, even and especially when your comfort or desire is different from mine.

I want to live in a world where we’re willing to consider that we may not know the full story of someone else’s boundaries and that we don’t need to know the whys in order to respect them.

I want to live in a world where we put communal safety before personal comfort.

I want to live in a world where asking for consent in our interactions with others is common practice.

As with my last post, there is so much more to say. I haven’t touched the idea of boundaries and consent in relationships where power is unequal. That, too, merits more than just this mention. Maybe I am the one to write about it, maybe you are…

I’ll close with this: This work is deep. It is complicated. It is messy. It is hard. It is beautiful. Navigating boundaries and consent is a practice. And so again, I invite you to explore these themes for yourself and, if you choose, to practice with me.

Healing Lockhart

Hart Communication